MySpace and Me

Note: The Author wrote this in 2006, but as she continues to explore social networking and dating websites, she believes it a timeless piece of work and decided to copy in into her current blog. This does NOT mean that she has run out of ideas for her blog, however.

HEADLINE: "I am Quirky and Unique, but not in a Weird or Creepy way, I am Totally Popular (as demonstrated by my 803 friends), and I have More Fun than any Normal Person could Handle."

Here is how MySpace fucks with my head. It starts innocently enough. Maybe I get a message from "Bob" or "Not Cocky, Just Confident," and the guy is hot or has a nice smile or something, so I click on his picture to read his profile. I study the profile very carefully. Many people on MySpace describe themselves using a mix of cliches and worn expressions. Often it sounds canned, like you can just as easily copy the code to a MySpace ready-made profile as you can to a MySpace ready-made layout. The canned version is a basic profile that doesn't make one sound overly-eager, but that reveals a generally positive glass-half-full personality.

But if the profile seems remotely sincere, I check out his age, his stats, his schools, and his work, etc. And then I get to his friends. This is usually where I get tripped up. It's the friends, always the damn friends. You see, I am not a normal, confident girl. Oh no. I am an insecure, obsessive maniac, and this is what happens.

Well. He only has female friends. Interesting. Not a male on his "Friend Space" anywhere. Is he on MySpace to search for hook-ups or to find dates or to have cybersex? Okay. Well, I'll just scan through these girls who are his friends. Dude, who are these girls? They are all models. They must be! None of them wears a sweater or a turtleneck. None of them wears glasses. The majority of them show off exposed midriffs with sparkly belly-button rings twinkling on flat stomachs. It appears that they have all participated in a professional MySpace photo-shoot. Oh jeez, and look at these girls' friends! Their friends are hot too! It's just a god-damn bevy of babes, all linked up to him, all of them in his extended network, which presumably extends across eons of virtual hotness and non-stop fun. While I sit here in my sweats, wearing my glasses, singing along to Ace of Base, and drinking hot chocolate. I am so lame. Why did this guy send me a message in the first place?

Maybe these girls-these friends of his-are not as great as they appear. I'll just click one of these girl's profiles and check her out. Am I the only one who does this sick shit? Anyway, let's see. Damn-that's a lot of pink stuff on one page. I can barely read the profile because of all the flowers, hearts, and other unmistakably female graphics that crowd it. Cheesy. So, she's kind of cheesy. But, wow, she likes to do a lot of different things. She enjoys drinking wine, water-skiing, cuddling by a fire, getting her groove on, and cooking? She likes crazy nights on the town and yet also likes quiet nights at home? I am so boring. I don't water-ski. Do I even have groove? And if I do, would I even know how to "get it on"?

And the pictures!? Has this chick ever taken a bad picture in her life!? The reason I only have like two pictures on my MySpace page is because in most pictures I have three chins or crossed eyes or something equally unattractive. Yet this girl has countless pictures of herself with an expression on her face that seems to say "Yes, I am thinking about ripping the clothes off my hot best girl friend who is posing next to me right now, after which I will whip up a gourmet meal, cuddle up with my sweet doggy, Mr. Muffin, and spend the rest of the night reading "Anna Kerenina." Well! I'll have you know Ms-Hot-MySpace-Girl, that I am thinking about ripping these sweats off, whipping up some microwave popcorn, cleaning up the hairball that my cat just expelled, and cuddling up with a copy of "How to Find a Husband when you're over 30." Beat that, biatch!

Hmmppphh. I'm not even going to respond to this guy. He must have sent me a message by mistake. I mean, why would he want to add my picture to that display? Plus she has 1,268 hot friends. And I am just little old me: Neurotic as hell, often grumpy, and regularly frumpy. Sigh.

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?" ("Broadcast News")